Looking forward on my calendar next week, there is a birthday
whose memories stir my heart. It is a
story of determination rewarded in great joy...
Kaia is a life that began as a longing in the hearts of her
mothers. After years building a life
together Kate and Jena had finally arrived at the time when they were ready to
welcome another child into their family.
Kate and Jena Kennedy, being two women in a relationship, have to take
initiative and be intentional in their actions to create a life. There isn’t the “woops we are pregnant”
factor that heterosexual couples have.
From the beginning they planned out the conception, creation and birth
of their daughter. Their love for their
child evident from the beginning.
Family Photo Kate, Jena, their son Chad and new baby Kaia. Brittany Ressler Photographers |
Jena chose to carry the baby and sacrificed much during her
pregnancy as high blood pressure threatened then changed their hopes for a home
water birth. They dreamed of an
environment where they had choices, were able to relax and to be
respected. One of Jena’s strengths is
her determination. She found a general
physician who was willing to honor her natural birth wishes in a hospital setting. This took research, calling, appointments,
explaining- a stressful time during her pregnancy. Her effort paid off as the solid planning
during prenatal care came to fruition during her birth.
At this point in my birthwork career I considered myself a “seasoned”
doula. Seven years in, I had witnessed
well over a hundred births in all kinds of settings. Most of my work was with Hispanic families or
Amish families; I consider myself fluent in the cross cultural birth
atmosphere. The Kennedy’s may look like
a different “kind” of family to many people, but I learned they are just like
any married couple. As an
expectant couple committed to caring for each other and raising a child
together they were excited and anxious about the upcoming birth. As a doula supporting them through labor was
no different than any other couple. Why
should it be?
The much anticipated birth-day arrived. It was an unusually warm March. The early spring flowers were pushing through
the wet earth, it was a sunny spring morning when I got the message. Jena’s water had broken, today is the
day! Labor was gently starting with
contractions increasing in intensity over the course of the morning. Joy infected this labor from the beginning,
laughter, kisses and bright expectant smiles all through the morning. Kate and Jena spent time relaxing in their
home, took a neighborhood walk and after a long shower headed to Goshen
Hospital to check in.
Looking back I see I was hypersensitive to how they would be
received. As their doula I was on guard
and ready to advocate for them to be treated with respect. As their friend I felt nervous knowing they
were vulnerable to the care of the hospital staff and because they are lesbian,
are more at risk for
discrimination. All my worry and nerves
were unnecessary. Each nurse and aid
gave kind and respectful care just as they would for anyone else. The Kennedy’s are likely more immune this
unknown element of how others react to them, and didn’t spend much effort
worrying about it. Again Jena’s
determination and planning paid off, the meeting that she and Kate had with the
nurse at the hospital prenatally soothed these worries for them and prepped the
staff of their expectations. I can’t say
enough how impressed I was with the professionalism of the nursing and hospital
staff that day.
So Jena labored and Kate tended to her every need. My role as the doula became one of prepping
the environment- cuing the music, positioning the bed, acquiring comfort
measures. Kate was the hands and heart
of the support. Jena glowed. Of course she struggled, doubted and felt
discouraged all the normal hallmarks of progress through labor. What passed between the two Kennedy women was
love like electricity. Kate projected
such devotion and faith in Jena I could see it visibly propping up Jena’s
confidence. This folks, is what a loving
partner contributes to labor. Sure they
read books during pregnancy, made a plan on paper for what they wanted labor to
be like. But there is an invisible
element to successfully supporting your partner in birth beyond preparation;
it’s the emotion and relationship that gives the laboring mom a foundation to
stand on. That love cannot be confined
by laws, religion or government. It.
Just. Is. And it brings tears to my
eyes. I left that labor feeling jealous,
when was the last time my husband had so solidly demonstrated his love for me?
Remember the determination I referred to as one of Jena’s
strengths? Her effort led her to a
physician willing to respect her wishes for a mobile labor free of IV and
encouraged her use of the water tub. (I
will not name this physician as I am not able to reach him for
permission). At each decision making
step of the way through labor Jena and Kate were able to ask questions, and
decide together what to do. They were in
control of the process, not on a pressured timeline. I was able to answer their questions, give advice
and sit with them in the unknown. The
environment was just as they hoped it would be.
The mental image dominates my mind from this birth is from
the transition stage of labor. Cervix
almost open all the way, body anticipating a change in labor and preparing for
pushing, hormones surging, contractions increasing in intensity and
frequency. Its evening now, the lights
are low in the room. Jena is resting
beautifully in the inflated tub of warm water that the nurse just set up. Kate is as close to Jena as she can be with
out acutally being in the tub. Jena
drifts between contractions almost sleeping, the contraction surges their
fingers intertwined Kate’s words of encouragement and love flow. Jena’s body responds by relaxing and giving
over to the surge. Her doubts boil to
the surface. Her wife confidently
responds, “You are strong enough, it will happen, you can do this.” This is the ebb and flow for over an hour. It is a lovely interlude.
Finally Kaia is ready to be born. Kate is as strong with her physical support
as she is emotionally. She helps her
wife out of the tub, supports her as she walks, and then as she rests on the
birth stool. Again a foundation for
Jena. The charismatic Kennedy women convince the older-taller-knee-replacement
physician to get down on the floor to catch the baby. No small feat. The baby hasn’t even been born yet and I am
so overwhelmed with all the love in the room.
Joy rears its head, that same joy from early labor, they are smiling
almost giddy at the realization they are about to meet their baby. Gender yet undiscovered name yet unspoken. And at 10:48 pm a sweet pea of a baby girl
head full of dark hair emerges into the loving arms of her mothers. Joy of joys Kaia Rose is here 6 lbs 4 oz! Welcomed
with love and celebration- a victory of life.
Dear Kennedy mamas, thank you for inviting me to
be a part of your journey with Kaia. I
am a better doula and better person for it.
Our community is blessed to have your family as a part of it.
Thank you. Thank you for adding your voice of tolerance and love and an acknowledgement of humanity. Especially in this time of governments acting on fear and hate, thank you for a beautiful reminder of love and joy. I appreciate your story telling talents.
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