How rude! Fathers-to-be who challenge me.

Matt is kicked back in the recliner. His cheeks chapped pink from the wind he states, “So are we gonna get this started or what?” Did I just get snarked at by an Amish man? “We will wait a few more minutes on the other couple, they just pulled in. I’m going to wait for them to put the horse in the barn.” I smile my sweetest fake smile I can manage.

–Wow ok, not used to this level of directness within the first hour of meeting.  I’m guessing he’s not too excited to be attending a childbirth class tonight. Well guess what buddy, I’m not either. I traveled 20 miles in near white-out conditions on icy roads at the “rush hour” on the Goshen-Plymouth trail to get here.  I left my family a half hour early just to arrive on time.  This man Matt makes me doubt it was worth the effort.

There are four couples signed up for this class.  We awkwardly sit on over stuffed couches and chairs and make small talk. It’s the first night of class in a series of four. It seems we are off to a rough start.  Half way through though I feel I have recovered and things are going well.  The women are bright eyed, nodding and following my every word. 

I turn from the marker board I am writing on my glance falling on Matt, who is soundly sleeping in his cozy recliner.  Again wow- actually sleeping.  I shouldn't be surprised; he did warn me this may happen.  Politely I noted the fresh pot of coffee available. Laughing he shook his head and waved me off, “Ha if I have coffee now I won’t be able to sleep once I get to bed.” Does napping during class effect your bedtime sleep also? I am having a hard time holding my tongue.

His wife Missy apologizes for her husband’s rudeness with her eyes.  My heart is softened a bit and I remind myself this isn't personal. This guy just really doesn't want to be in a childbirth class.

Over the course of my teaching career I've had about 300 couples in class. From time to time I come across a gem like this one. I get it- childbirth class is uncomfortable. He doesn't want to be here, but his wife “made” him come. It is cold. He worked hard today, has to get up at 3 am for work tomorrow. There are a number of possible reasons for his rudeness.  But those same reasons apply to us all, and we manage to be civil and polite. 

Writing about Matt brings another character to mind.  It was in my first year of teaching and I encountered a man I refer to as “The Heckler”. He was ruthless with me. 

What is a heckler exactly?  Remember the two old guys, Statler and Waldorf, from The Muppet Show? Professional hecklers quite funny if they aren't making fun of you. Glad they don't need childbirth classes.

Heckle: To try to embarrass and annoy (someone speaking

 or performing in public) by questions, gibes, or objections; badger.

My bearded heckler wasn't as lovable as a Muppet 

That sound like fun, no? I spent all my energy recovering from his jabs and maintaining the flow of the class. The other couples were offended and embarrassed for me. I’d dare say that they became angry with him by the end of it all. Any time the Heckler was out of ear shot they would apologize, “Please just ignore him. You are doing a great job. We (the Amish) don’t usually treat people like this.” I got several notes of gratitude and encouragement in the mail once the class was all wrapped up.

While I can’t recall all of his hurtful words I do remember the last class we were discussing caring for your newborn and I was discussing the idea of co-sleeping. “So if I roll over onto and kill my baby, I can tell myself, but Betsy said it was ok.” Yes folks, he was out of control. Another man in the class actually reprimanded him for that one. At some point I realized that this man likely treats his wife the same way. If this Amish man is so bold as to talk to a person of authority in public with disrespect, how does he treat his wife behind closed doors?  I shudder to think. 

So these men bruise my ego a bit.  Maybe they don’t like me.  Maybe it’s the setting and content of class.  No matter which, I continue on, honing my skills at public speaking and interactions with people of all sorts.  I believe that childbirth classes are vital for couples anticipating birth. I believe that whether he admits it later or not, he did benefit from participating in the class. Everyone benefits. If it’s just a handful who insist on being rude, there are approximately 295 more polite, attentive (mostly) and interested participants, then I can live with that. 

Next week I'm going to picture one of these two old gents reclined in the chair instead of Matt.  That should help it go better. 

Preach it!

On the third night of three classes the topic at hand is labor support.  As a doula with hours of experience I find this night the most enjoyable.  I have lots of entertaining examples that get people laughing.  By our third night together everyone is more comfortable with each other and they know what to expect from me.  (I should say as a bit of a disclaimer here that my clients in classes are almost always married and heterosexual, so I am going to refer to husband instead of the more inclusive partner cause that’s my audience when I give this talk.)

About six months ago I found myself starting to talk about a little discussed detail of the childbirth process.  This detail is the opportunity for growth in a marriage that awaits the expectant couple.  When a husband and wife journey through a labor to birth together it is an opportunity for them to reach a new level of trust and intimacy.  Over the years of listening to women reflect on their births,  I notice this theme emerge.  Vital to how they experienced their birth is how their partner supported and responded to their needs.   It is the base on which her memory of labor/birth is built.  Women with short, easy labors whose husbands worried more about the thermostat than holding her hand reflect on the disappointment and abandonment by their partner.  Not the ease and gift of a short labor.

Fellow birth workers, is there anything more beautiful than to see a partner support and self-sacrifice to accompany their loved one through the long hard hours of work all to see the tears of relief at the birth of their child?  This gift is obscure in our culture. Though addressed in labor support information, it isn’t spoken loud enough in my opinion.

I am convinced now more than ever that the love and care a woman receives while she is at her most vulnerable is so important.  So I preach it.

“I’m gonna get a little preachy here for a minute guys.” Is my intro before I launch in.  “When your wife is in labor and birthing your child it is a rare opportunity for you as a husband to show her how much you love her.”  The men shift in their seats, but I’ve got their attention.  “When a woman is in labor she is vulnerable in a way that doesn’t happen every day.”

 I turn to the women then and say, “so let yourself be vulnerable, cared for, consoled. Give him a chance to care for you in a very special way.”  Back to the men, “no matter how nervous or scared you may be men, care. for. her.  Hold her hand, tell her you love her, wipe her brow, fuss over her, leave no doubt that you are present in that moment with her.”

 Then I ease in some humor, “Fellas I don’t want to hear tales later about how you slept on the cot, watched the baskeball game on tv, or played your DS.”  They laugh a bit and it eases the intensity of it all.  By now the women are pink cheeked and stealing looks at their husbands, reaching over to hold their hand.  It is working!  I am setting the expectation level high, I am speaking for her. What she wants to say but doesn’t know how.  I am a figure of respect and authority on the topic and they are eating it up.  Dramatic pause for a long breath…

“Often after a birth the husband holds a new respect for the strength of his wife, men I want your wife to have a new respect for you in how you love her.”  BAM!  a great closer.  “Okay, sermon over.”
*smile and sigh*

When I check in, the non-verbals are strong.  Smiles, glances across the room, sips of coffee in anticipation of what I am going to lay on them next.  They are listening and it is soaking in.

My presentation continues on with clear ideas of how to give this care that I have now led their wives to expect.

 The list is short and I’m no pioneer in putting it together:

1.       Listen to her 

2.       Talk to her 

3.       Be there for her

4.       Touch her

With each task I give examples.  I have a basket of “tools” that they can use.  A hot water bottle, fuzzy socks, lotion, chap stick.  Yep its that simple, “Really guys it’s the little things that add up over the hours.”  As I wind down its time to check in.  “So is this a job you are up for? Do you think you can handle it?”

And then we go around the circle and I have each wife tell us just what is it that your husband will do well at when it comes to supporting her.  Occasionally I get a blank look, one time the poor wife couldn’t grasp for anything- yikes.  I get answers like foot rubs, encouragement, sense of humor, “He will keep me from worrying.”  I can see his shoulders rise as he inhales confidence. 

I then turn to the men, “What is it your wife will need most from you?”  They smile, a chance to get her back.  The Amish are not fond of speaking of this kind of thing in front of each other.  They likely squirmed a little at what their wife was going to say about them.  Now it is their turn.  A listening ear, foot rubs, encouraging words, to just be there.  It’s blooming right in front of me, like an early summer peony, their awareness of the emotional task that lays before them.

I leave our last session together hopeful for the couples.  I am excited for all that lays ahead of them.  The hard work of it accepted and now the depth of the task laying before them better understood.  They are often more confident, comforted by the information and ready to face it together.

*Special thanks to Stephanie Price who formatted much of the content I use in class and graciously passed both the information and the opportunity to teach on to me.*