Joy and A Determined Love

Looking forward on my calendar next week, there is a birthday whose memories stir my heart.   It is a story of determination rewarded in great joy...  

Family Photo Kate, Jena, their son Chad and new baby Kaia.
 Brittany Ressler Photographers

Kaia is a life that began as a longing in the hearts of her mothers.  After years building a life together Kate and Jena had finally arrived at the time when they were ready to welcome another child into their family.  Kate and Jena Kennedy, being two women in a relationship, have to take initiative and be intentional in their actions to create a life. There isn’t the “woops we are pregnant” factor that heterosexual couples have.  From the beginning they planned out the conception, creation and birth of their daughter.   Their love for their child evident from the beginning. 

Jena chose to carry the baby and sacrificed much during her pregnancy as high blood pressure threatened then changed their hopes for a home water birth.  They dreamed of an environment where they had choices, were able to relax and to be respected.  One of Jena’s strengths is her determination.  She found a general physician who was willing to honor her natural birth wishes in a hospital setting.  This took research, calling, appointments, explaining- a stressful time during her pregnancy.  Her effort paid off as the solid planning during prenatal care came to fruition during her birth. 

At this point in my birthwork career I considered myself a “seasoned” doula.  Seven years in, I had witnessed well over a hundred births in all kinds of settings.  Most of my work was with Hispanic families or Amish families; I consider myself fluent in the cross cultural birth atmosphere.   The Kennedy’s may look like a different “kind” of family to many people, but I learned they are just like any married couple.  As an expectant couple committed to caring for each other and raising a child together they were excited and anxious about the upcoming birth.  As a doula supporting them through labor was no different than any other couple.  Why should it be?

The much anticipated birth-day arrived.  It was an unusually warm March.  The early spring flowers were pushing through the wet earth, it was a sunny spring morning when I got the message.  Jena’s water had broken, today is the day!  Labor was gently starting with contractions increasing in intensity over the course of the morning.  Joy infected this labor from the beginning, laughter, kisses and bright expectant smiles all through the morning.  Kate and Jena spent time relaxing in their home, took a neighborhood walk and after a long shower headed to Goshen Hospital to check in. 

Looking back I see I was hypersensitive to how they would be received.  As their doula I was on guard and ready to advocate for them to be treated with respect.  As their friend I felt nervous knowing they were vulnerable to the care of the hospital staff and because they are lesbian,  are more at risk for discrimination.  All my worry and nerves were unnecessary.  Each nurse and aid gave kind and respectful care just as they would for anyone else.  The Kennedy’s are likely more immune this unknown element of how others react to them, and didn’t spend much effort worrying about it.  Again Jena’s determination and planning paid off, the meeting that she and Kate had with the nurse at the hospital prenatally soothed these worries for them and prepped the staff of their expectations.  I can’t say enough how impressed I was with the professionalism of the nursing and hospital staff that day.

So Jena labored and Kate tended to her every need.  My role as the doula became one of prepping the environment- cuing the music, positioning the bed, acquiring comfort measures.  Kate was the hands and heart of the support.  Jena glowed.  Of course she struggled, doubted and felt discouraged all the normal hallmarks of progress through labor.  What passed between the two Kennedy women was love like electricity.  Kate projected such devotion and faith in Jena I could see it visibly propping up Jena’s confidence.  This folks, is what a loving partner contributes to labor.  Sure they read books during pregnancy, made a plan on paper for what they wanted labor to be like.  But there is an invisible element to successfully supporting your partner in birth beyond preparation; it’s the emotion and relationship that gives the laboring mom a foundation to stand on.  That love cannot be confined by laws, religion or government.  It. Just. Is.  And it brings tears to my eyes.  I left that labor feeling jealous, when was the last time my husband had so solidly demonstrated his love for me?

Remember the determination I referred to as one of Jena’s strengths?  Her effort led her to a physician willing to respect her wishes for a mobile labor free of IV and encouraged her use of the water tub.  (I will not name this physician as I am not able to reach him for permission).  At each decision making step of the way through labor Jena and Kate were able to ask questions, and decide together what to do.  They were in control of the process, not on a pressured timeline.  I was able to answer their questions, give advice and sit with them in the unknown.  The environment was just as they hoped it would be.

The mental image dominates my mind from this birth is from the transition stage of labor.  Cervix almost open all the way, body anticipating a change in labor and preparing for pushing, hormones surging, contractions increasing in intensity and frequency.  Its evening now, the lights are low in the room.  Jena is resting beautifully in the inflated tub of warm water that the nurse just set up.  Kate is as close to Jena as she can be with out acutally being in the tub.  Jena drifts between contractions almost sleeping, the contraction surges their fingers intertwined Kate’s words of encouragement and love flow.  Jena’s body responds by relaxing and giving over to the surge.  Her doubts boil to the surface.  Her wife confidently responds, “You are strong enough, it will happen, you can do this.”  This is the ebb and flow for over an hour.  It is a lovely interlude.

Finally Kaia is ready to be born.  Kate is as strong with her physical support as she is emotionally.  She helps her wife out of the tub, supports her as she walks, and then as she rests on the birth stool.  Again a foundation for Jena. The charismatic Kennedy women convince the older-taller-knee-replacement physician to get down on the floor to catch the baby.  No small feat.  The baby hasn’t even been born yet and I am so overwhelmed with all the love in the room.  Joy rears its head, that same joy from early labor, they are smiling almost giddy at the realization they are about to meet their baby.  Gender yet undiscovered name yet unspoken.  And at 10:48 pm a sweet pea of a baby girl head full of dark hair emerges into the loving arms of her mothers.  Joy of joys Kaia Rose is here 6 lbs 4 oz! Welcomed with love and celebration- a victory of life.

Dear Kennedy mamas, thank you for inviting me to be a part of your journey with Kaia.  I am a better doula and better person for it.  Our community is blessed to have your family as a part of it.