Within minutes after stepping through her front door, I felt
it. Stifling static tension, he sits in
his leather LazyBoy watching soccer, not taking his attention from the game as
I enter. She noiselessly, gracefully moves around the room as to not disturb him. Ushering me into her bedroom for our prenatal
doula meeting, no mention of her husband stoically sitting in the other room.
She didn’t reveal and I didn’t ask at that first meeting. I knew something was amiss between
them. I didn’t get it all put together until my postpartum visit in that same bedroom 5 weeks later. Mari’s husband, hits her, belittles her,
shames her and ridicules her. His abuse
is as long lasting as it is painful.
Mari has three daughters with him and this birth brings their fourth
child, first son into the family. She is
in the midst of a long and secretive process of getting protective immigration
status so she can free herself from her husband’s control. In the mean time she endures his abuse.
Once Mari is settled into the labor and delivery room he
begins to complain about how cold his feet are. Five minutes
pass, and he is excusing himself stating his feet are just too cold- he’s
headed home to change out of his sandals and will return soon. He lives 3 miles/10 minute drive from the
hospital. His son entered the world 15
minutes after the cold footed father left the hospital. Aamazing considering she was 4 cm with
“lazy” contractions every 7 minutes when he left. It
was the fastest labor I had witnessed.
The OB nurses were quite surprised.
It was as if her body hurried to birth the baby while he was
gone. Maybe he left on purpose as to
give her this space? I’m not sure he is that sensitive or perceptive. Was her body tuned into some kind of instinct
that protected her birthing from his intimidating, dominating, demanding
presence? I’ll never know.
Yessica is a client I met through the neighborhood clinic I
worked for as a contract doula.
Prenatally the clinic informed me that she having a baby with an abusive
boyfriend. Yessica and I spent lots of
time prenatally discussing her relationship with her boyfriend and her wishes
for his participation (or lack of) during the birth. She was clear, he was not to be present. The physician agreed with Yessica that it would not be safe for him
to be present for the birth. The plan was to alert
security once she was laboring at the hospital as to keep him from entering the
labor room, all parties agreed this was the safest and preferable plan.
After three hours of active labor at the hospital, Yessica
begins to give up on herself. I am
pouring myself into supporting and encouraging her. With each passing contraction she grows more
and more pathetic. The physician enters
the room to observe her status. Noting
her distress, he stays to provide support.
It becomes clear Yessica has decided that she cannot and will not do
this. She wants help, is crying for
help, begging really. But not accepting anything we offer. It reminds me of
my toddler throwing a fit. She is rude,
loud, demanding and dramatic. All her
energy goes into her protesting and fighting her labor, making it all the more
painful. At one point she is combatant,
swinging and clawing at me when I try to hold her hand and encourage her
further.
As things escalate, a
nurse informs us that her boyfriend is waiting outside the room and wants to
enter. He has charmed his way past the
front desk and is pleading for a chance to enter the room. The physician quickly exits to talk with him
outside the door. As I anticipated there is drama that
distracts us all from the process of this labor and birth. As a doula I am concerned for my safety.
Stepping back from the scene, I realized she is playing the
role she always does. She made herself the
helpless, victim to be pitied and rescued.
Miraculously her body continued to labor effectively opening and pushing
even despite her best effort to fight it.
Within minutes of the baby’s birth the boyfriend entered the room, as
agreed upon. Yessica became a different
woman. She nuzzled into him, glowing
with accomplishment and hungry for his affection. It turned my stomach. I felt so much sadness for this little
family.
What is a doula to do in cases where abuse is
suspected/confirmed? Ignore or inquire? Pity
or probe? The social worker in me wants
to get the details. I want justice. I
want her to be protected, for her to heal and to know her worth and stand up
and leave. And it is not just her I worry
about, but her children as well.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a move that takes time, support, resources and planning.
There is a cross cultural element to be considered. Culture and religion can make it even more
difficult for a woman to break out of an abusive relationship. For so long they accept his control, his
power over them. They feel shame, blame
for their situation. Religion tells them
to trust, pray, forgive and forget. Not
addressing the need for protection, healing and separation. Culture tells them he has the right to be controlling,
to treat her how he wants. She must be
an attractive, attentive and passive mate; or he will mistreat her or stray.
To answer my own question I think it is responsible of the
doula to report any abuse she witnesses if there is physical evidence of abuse
(bruises, scars etc). Often it is not
that clear or reportable. Start
with asking her questions, build on the rapport gained through the labor and
birth. Don't ask if you aren't willing to do something with her answers. Follow up with her health care
provider. Give her information on resources,
community counseling, woman’s shelter etc.
If nothing else, use the moments of empowerment and victory from the
birth to reinforce her strength and power.
Both Mari and Yessica were already connected to
services in the community. They knew there was a problem, looked for support, and connected to
professionals that can help them. Unfortunately, even with education, support and counseling they still are in ongoing
relationships with men that treat them horribly. Abuse is a bondage that is challenging to
break free of.
As I write this I realize that with Amish women there is a
huge barrier to accessing these same services.
The Amish church’s patriarchal system handles transgressions internally. There is a process of confession, repentance,
and forgiveness- then silence. There is
no divorce; there is no leaving unless conditions are proven to be severe or
highly dangerous. I am frustrated at the
lack of protection for the abused women and children in the Amish church. Is there opportunity for counseling, sorting
out the abuse and healing? A chance for
a fresh start, and new self-worth? Where
does the cycle of abuse end when children grow up with it? How does it carry on to the next generation?
When it comes to abuse, I wonder is my little bit of love and encouragement enough? Does an empowering birth where a woman is
respected and protected make a difference?
I’d like to think it can. So doulas, midwives, doctors, nurses, model
respect for her and birthing power. Give her a safe place to bring forth
life. Pay attention to her needs, work
to earn and keep her trust. Empower her
in every little detail and pray that it will ripple into her life beyond the
birth.
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